Volcano

I remember wanting to hit my son in the face. I remember feeling this way for days on end every single month.

I have a 4 year old. The constant chatter, the screaming, the desperate need for attention. I just want to sleep. I just want to feel nothing for a while. I just want this pain to pass. And yet he comes to me to snuggle, to play, to hug and all I want to do is push him away.

When we argue about something, something horribly mundane, I yell. I yell so hard and with every ounce of my strength. I can feel the anger bubbling inside of me like a volcano. I scream so loud I see stars. I feel like I am going to pass out the rage is so strong. This is how I feel towards my 4 year old. The son I created.

I blame him for me feeeling this way. I blame him for being alive. I blame him for injecting me with so much emotion. Hes the reason i have PMDD. He’s the reason all of this is happening. He’s the reason I have PMDD!

I curl up in a ball in my closet. I lock the door. The pain will pass, my tears will dry and I will wake up tomorrow renewed.

The sight of blood in my panties gives me hope. A new cycle. I’ll be myself again.